Category — The Arts

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Dolly Parton is the smartest businesswoman to roll through the entertainment industry in the past few decades, followed by Madonna and Jenna Jameson. Yes, Jenna Jameson, and, yes, I hold to that.

Dolly, though, is the quintessential rags-to-riches story that shows exactly what can happen when a person with talent and a person with intelligence inhabit the same body. I mean, her brain must rival her breasts in sheer mass.

Which brings me to my point.

You would think someone who had come up from nothing and made millions on nothing but chutzpah and cleverness would make slightly better decisions in some areas. Specifically her chest area.

The woman has sold millions of albums. She has a hugely successful amuzement park. She creates and designs her whole life, and yet she couldn’t determine that carrying around thirty pounds on her chest wasn’t always going to be a good idea? She’s like 5′1″. There was no way in hell she was going to have the ability to lug those things around well into her eighties.

So now she’s had to cancel several events, including her appearance at SXSW, and all of those people who were hoping to see Dolly’s breasts live and in person will now be terribly disappointed.

When she finally has to have them removed, and she will because there isn’t enough milk in the world to fortify eighty-year-old bones to hold those things up, do you think the implants will make the Smithsonian? Because as gross as it feels to say this, they really should. Think about it. Is there anyone on Earth whose boobs are loved by as many generations, sexes, and sexualities as Dolly’s.

Mm hm. Exactly.

I’ve decided Boomerang is my new favorite network. Today, while flipping through the channels to find something to leave my TV on while I went off to do other things, because that’s the way that watching TV always seems to work for me, I found the Smurfs. This made me deliriously happy and I did a little dance of exuberant joy across the living room. I had it on the Smurfs while I washed the dishes, and while I wasn’t paying much attention to the pictures on the screen, I was listening to the dialogue. And it sounded like I was listening to porn. No lie.

Sample dialogue -

Papa Smurf: Three inches! It’s always been three inches.

I don’t remember the Smurfs being quite so smutty when I watched as a kid. But maybe they were. Maybe that’s why I liked them so much. I’ve always been a bit on the pervy side of entertainment.

Anyway, that was a good time. Shortly after, they played the original Scooby Doo (hooray) and Pound Puppies. How freaking old school is that? Then, not too long after, I walked through to see Tom and Jerry on the screen.

Boomerang, you rule. Cartoon Network, bow to your master.

So, today, I was perusing Sunday’s comics, and I couldn’t help it. I glanced. I did it because it was there, and there’s never much to read, so it’s often easier to just look at it than not look at it.

And, instantly, I flashed back to the scene in the movie Go where the Timothy Olyphant character tells the Katie Holmes character that Family Circus always ruins the comics for him, because it’s the last comic, and it’s sitting there, just waiting to suck. And then she says, why don’t you just not read it? And he says, I hate it, but I’m drawn to it.

I understand that feeling well.

By the way, the one from Sunday offered exceptional suckage.

I don’t know how the rest of humanity feels about it, but I very much like my humor with a heaping scoop of sarcasm. Dilbert offers it in great quantity. I would argue that Dilbert may, in fact, be the most famous sarcasm-laden comic strip of all. I would not, however, make the claim that Dilbert is the most sarcastic sarcasm-laden comic strip of all. Nope. My personal vote for most sarcastic comic strip just happens to be my new favorite, Get Fuzzy. Bucky is the meanest, smack-talkingest feline in current comic-dom. That is one seriously cruel kitty. And, Satchel, he takes some crap, but damn if he’s not totally adorable.

Oh, and there’s a human too… but who cares?

Check it out.

Once in a while, I will give into it, the desire to see a movie that was made on a big budget with a celebrity cast by a major studio. Don’t tell anyone. Occasionally, this results in a nice surprise, like happened recently with Transformers. While I could have done without twenty minutes or so of the battle sequences, the humor was good, the dialogue was snappy, and the characters were enjoyable and well-cast.

I guess that it got my guard down. I thought, hey, that wasn’t too terrible. Maybe I should check out something else Hollywood has made recently. So, I tried. I watched Vacancy… because it was on, I didn’t want to do anything else, and I like both Luke Wilson and Kate Beckinsale. Sadly, I liked both of them more prior to seeing this film. Why is it that such tripe continues to be churned out left and right? Could someone please tell me this?

Not only did it have badly forced drama and lame-ass dialogue, it also had some glaring plot holes. Plainly put, it sucked ass, and I didn’t want it to.

Shame.